I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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