every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
