U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
