A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
