FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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