12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
