I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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