hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
