I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
