I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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