I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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