I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
