I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
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Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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