he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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