Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
