I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
