Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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