She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
