i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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