A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
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Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
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We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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