sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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