I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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