All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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