I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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