That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
