I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
