Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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