We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
