I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.