She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
