my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
