dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
All the doctor said was why
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
