You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have already put on my inside pants.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
