arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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