I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
