I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
pray to the hookup gods
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
