wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
