I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
