In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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