Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
