You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
