he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
