Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She told me I should be a condom model.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
