well I can't set my house on fire every night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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