I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
