i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
