my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
