come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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