Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
