I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
