Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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