How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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