I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house